FAST BLACK'S AND BRACES

Well the Birthday celebrations went doon a treat, After a wee Ruby Murry in the Hoose, Ella and I went doon tae the "Piston Broke" fur a wee swally, Ella hud her usual, One Gin and seven Bitterlemons, And me! Well I got Miraculous! But in a Friendly sort of way! The next day, Well ma Heid wiz Birlin, And ma mouth tasted like a Badgers arse, So I thought tae masel I'll jist go fur a wee Walk! So off I dauners doon the Street, Noo It wiz a no bad day, But it hud been raining the Night afore, So I hud tae be careful O the Puddles. I must admit I cut a fine line wandering doon the Street With ma new Trousers, Red Braces, and Wie ma Jaiket causally hinging over ma Shoulder,

AYE BOABY! I thought tae masel YEA KIN STILL TURN THE LASSIES HEIDS

Suddenly oot O the blue this Bugger in his FAST BLACK skooshes Through a puddle and Bluddy soaked me!

YER NAE GETTIN AFF WIE THAT I thought

Lucky enough he pulls up jist doon the Street, Tae let aff his Passinger, So I tare doon the road, And stick Ma heid through his Windae

HERE! YEA BAD MASTARD YEA! KIN YEA NAE WATCH WHERE YER GAUN?

WHIT ARE YEA OAN ABOOT?-------KETTLE BELLY

KETTLE BELLY!---I'LL KETTLE BELLY YOU THE NOO, YEA WENT RIGHT THROUGH THON PUDDLE AND SOAKED ME!

ACH! BUGGER AFF! YEA TORN FACED WEE NAYFF!

He says and accelerates away, Now unbeknown tae him or I, When I lent through the Taxi Windae tae speak tae him, Ma Bonney new braces got tangled up wie his Wingmirror!

The next thing I know is I'm "WHEECHED" Aff ma feet and Am doing a Hunner miles an Hour doon the Street behind the Bluddy Cab! Now Fortunately fur me, There wiz a set o traffic light at the bottom O the road, And they hud jist changed tae RED, So he wiz forced tae Stop! However, Ma HushPuppies did'na come wie Disk Brakes, And the Properties O elastic being as they are! I flew past the Cab and right inta the Middle O the Street!

PRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!

WHIT THE HELL WIZ THAT?

I looked tae ma left, And nae five feet fae me wiz a big Bluddy EDDIE STOBART daeing Forty miles an hour! AM..... DEID! A thought.

I WONDER IF MA PANTS ARE CLEAN?

Well Ella's always on aboot that! Boaby change yer underwear incase sumthing Happens,

WELL ELLA!...... ITS HAPPENED,..... AND CLEAN PANTS ARE NO GOING TAE HELP ME NOO!

Suddenly the wonder of Elasticity, Again came into force, And at the Speed O light I wiz snatched from the Jaws O death and sent Hurling Backwards, Right intae a Corporation LampPost

WHAAAAAANG!

Darkness overcame me! Bright Stars twinkled and in the Distance I Could hear voices

HE'S BLUDDY DEID A TELL YE!

OH SURELY NO!......... ATSA SHAME

HO! COME OAN! LET THE BULL SEE THE COO!

WHIT! ARE YEA A DOCTOR OR SUMFING!

EH! WELL NAH! BUT I DID DAE FIRST AID IN THE CUBS

ACH WELL! YER OWER LATE! HE'S DEID

Well I forced Masel tae open Wan Eye tae see whit all the fuss wiz aboot and jist in time, As this wee Briedsnapper O a boy, Bends over, Wie his slobery lips Inches away from ma face.

JIST BLUDDY TRY IT PAL!

Says I. CHRIST! and he fell flat on this arse on the pavement, Seconds later he jumps tae his feet and kicks me in the Ribs.

TAKE THAT! YEA AULD TOERAG YEA! FRIGHTENING ME LIKE THAT!

And off he marched, Still lying on the Pavement, I looked around at the Two Wimmin standing over me!

OCH!.... HE'S NO DEID AT ALL!....... BLUDDY CHANCER!

HERE!.. says the other one WAIT A MINUTE

ARE YEA NAW THE WEE MAN THAT GOT STUCK IN THE LAVEY?

AYE THAT WIZ ME... says I

IS THIS HOW YEA GET YER PLEASURE! FLASHIN AT DECENT WIMMIN IN THE STREET

And wie that she skelps me in the face wie hur Handbag, and storms aff. I shakily got tae ma feet, And realise that ma New Braces hud snapped and ma trousers were round ma Ankles. I pulled up ma Breeks and Hudding them in one haun, Searched around fur ma Bonnet, Eventually retrievin it fae the Puddle.

Right Now whit tae dae? I couldnae Walk aboot like this, Then I spies a Mans Clothing shop, So In I goes,

KIN A HELP YEA SUR?

Says this stuck up, toffee nosed, Auld bint Wie hur hair piled up on top O hur Napper.

AYE!____AM LOOKIN FUR A PAIR O RED BRACES!

WE DON'T STOCK BRACES, THIS IS A TRENDY SHOP!

OH! says I, AND JIST WHIT DAE TRENDY FOLK DAE WHEN THEIR BLUDDY KEGS ARE DOON ABOOT THEIR ANKLES?

I'LL GIVE YOU A BELT! she says

Well no body speaks tae Wee Boaby like that!

TRY IT!.........I'LL GIE YEA A RIGHT POKE IN THE MOOTH YEA STUCK UP TWAT, YEA.

I THINK YEA HUD BETTER LEAVE! she says AFORE A CALL THE POLIS!

AYE !.... WELL AM AWAY.....BUT YOU STARTED IT.

NOO jist across the road wiz another wee shop, I'll try there I thought!

HELLO SUR!...... KIN A HELP YEA?

says this wee blond burd, Aboot Eighteen years old, A bare Midriff, And A WEE Bit o Skirt.

EH!........ AM LOOKIN FUR A PAIR O BRACES! says I

OH! SORRY...... WE DINNAE STOCK BRACES,.... WHIT THE PROBLEM?

WELL.... I HUD A WEE ACCIDENT, AND BUST MINE says I

OH! she says.. LETS HUV A WEE LOOK

MMM!.... I'LL JIST GET A COUPLE O SAFETY PINS, THAT'LL DAE YEA TILL YEA GET HAME.

So off she goes and comes back wie the pins, bends over and starts fiddling wie ma waistband!

WELL I'LL TELL YEA! SOMETHING HAPPENED TAE ME, THAT HAD'NT HAPPENED FUR YEARS.................................AYE! A STARTED TAE SWEAT!

Well Wie ma trousers patched up, I left the shop and thought tae masel A NEED A DRINK! So I heads for the "PISTON BROKE"

HULLO BOABY!

Shouts Alec the barman

JEEZES WHIT A LUMP!- WHIT HAPPENED TAE YOU?

OH!... says I going red in the face IT WIZ THON WEE LASSIE IN THE CLOTHS SHOP JIST DOON THE ROAD, SHORT SKIRTS AN THAT, YEA KEN?

WHIT THE HELL ARE YEA OAN ABOUT? AM TALKING ABOOT THAT GIMORMOUS LUMP ON YER BLUDDY HEID!

OH! ....AYE!....THAT LUMP!....ACH JIST A WEE ACCIDENT, ANYWAY GET THE SWALLEY UP, AND NEVER MIND A THE YACKING.

Weel! I thought tae Masel, Nothing else kin go wrang! And I reached over tae pick up ma Pint, This put a bit of strain on the old Braces, And the next thing!

TWAAAAAANG !!!!

And ma left hand strap flew over ma shoulder, At the speed of light!

OOYAH!..... BUGGER

I quickly turned round on ma barstool to find a young Blond Lassie glarin at me!

KEEP YER BLUDDY HAUNS TAE YERSEL!..... PERVERT!

She say tae Me, Then this Six foot ned with a shaven heid appears

WHIT'S UP JEANIE?

THAT WEE PERV NIPPED MA ARSE! DARLIN!

OH AYE! WHIT YER GAME PAL?

WIZ NAE ME!... I NEVER TOUCHED HUR!... AM A MARRIED MAN!

OH... AYE!------KIN YER WIFE SEW?

EH!

GET HUR TAE STITCH THIS THEN!

WHUMP!

And the next thing he gies me the Glasga Kiss, Square oan the NEB! Of Course I does a double backward Summersault over the BarStool and lands on a heap on the floor! Meanwhile! Not being one tae miss an opportunity the Big NED and his mates get stuck in wie the Boot!

Now A don't believe in life after Death an All that, But jist then an Amazin Thing happened!

Suddenly I wiz sittin on the Barstool, Watchin as the Ned and his Mates Played Five-A-Side wie ma Heid.

MEEMA ... MEEMA ... MEEMA ... MEEMA

QUICK IT'S THE BLUDDY POLIS----RUN!

Shouted one of the Neds, And they all stopped playing Fitba wie me heid and Buggered aff! !n rushed a couple o they Big Strathcylde Polis and a couple o Medic's

In a flash both Medic's, Were at ma side, One put his Haun round ma Throat

CHRIST! THERE'S NAE LENTIL IN THIS BUGGER

Noo am no intae all the Medical terms, But even I could work out that meant I didn't huv a Pulse

OH! SHIT....AM DEID!...........ELLA!

Suddenly the second Medic runs in Wie a big Box and two Paddles, He rip Open Ma shirt and shouts

STAUN BACK!

WHUUUUMP!

He sent a massive charge of electricity through ma Chest, And ma poor body "BUNNY HOPPED ACROSS the PUB FLOOR!

WHUUUUMP!

WHUUUUMP!

WHUUUUMP!

Suddenly I wiz no longer sitting on the Barstool, But lying in Agony on The bluddy Floor.

OK! JIMMY...WELL DONE....THE AULD BUGGER HIZ STARTED AGAIN!

OH!...... I'LL GIE HIM ONE MAIR FUR LUCK

WHUUUUP!

QUICK! LOAD HIM OAN TAE THE STRETCHER AND WE'LL GET HIM INTA THE MEAT WAGON!

And with a Quick MEEEMA!... MEEEMA! We were off tae the Infirmary Again!

Well will WEE BOABY Survive? Who KNOWS! Read Part 2 in the Next issue

Of THE CRYPT